Sunday, March 30, 2008
Dogs and cats are different
From one of those e-mails that people send around...
DOG DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
DOG DIARY
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
CAT DIARY
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.
In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
Monday, October 08, 2007
She obviously knows my mom...
Labels: humor
Saturday, October 06, 2007
Thing that made me laugh
The anarchist movement lacked a stable national organization in its early years.Source
Friday, May 18, 2007
How I roll
Today is National Ride Your Bike To Work Day.
I didn't.
1. I live 40 miles from work. That's 80 miles round trip. That's a lot.
2. I don't own a bike.
3. I ride on many freeways where bikes are forbidden.
4. I have to entertain clients who probably wouldn't appreciate jumping on the back of my non-existent bike.
Maybe next year.
I didn't.
1. I live 40 miles from work. That's 80 miles round trip. That's a lot.
2. I don't own a bike.
3. I ride on many freeways where bikes are forbidden.
4. I have to entertain clients who probably wouldn't appreciate jumping on the back of my non-existent bike.
Maybe next year.
Tuesday, March 20, 2007
A few conversations you could have overheard
1. Matty B.: So, you all don't celebrate St. Patrick's Day?
Me: No, not really.
Matty B.: Because you're a Kven?
2. Me: I'm telling you, trailer in the country, lots of cats, and I'll sit on the front porch with a shotgun and keep the world at bay.
The missus: That's starting to sound good.
3. Me (an internal monologue): We could fly to London, take the train to Chester or Wolverhampton, catch an EPL match, then see the reunited Squeeze, all in one weekend. How much could that be?
[Mouse clicks, keyboard clicks, several "hmms" later]
$3,000 is a little steep for an adolescent obsession and a weekend. They better come to the States.
4. Pete: I tell people I'm 40 and they act surprised. Then I tell them I'm immature for my age and they agree.
5. The missus, upon Spencer appearing on the screen: I think I just threw up a little in the back of my mouth.
Me: No, not really.
Matty B.: Because you're a Kven?
2. Me: I'm telling you, trailer in the country, lots of cats, and I'll sit on the front porch with a shotgun and keep the world at bay.
The missus: That's starting to sound good.
3. Me (an internal monologue): We could fly to London, take the train to Chester or Wolverhampton, catch an EPL match, then see the reunited Squeeze, all in one weekend. How much could that be?
[Mouse clicks, keyboard clicks, several "hmms" later]
$3,000 is a little steep for an adolescent obsession and a weekend. They better come to the States.
4. Pete: I tell people I'm 40 and they act surprised. Then I tell them I'm immature for my age and they agree.
5. The missus, upon Spencer appearing on the screen: I think I just threw up a little in the back of my mouth.
Labels: family, humor, Laguna Beach, LC, MTV, Shows I don't watch, Squeeze, Team Heidi, The Hills, travel, Weirdness
Friday, March 09, 2007
All the other countries are run by little girls
Worked out - 45 minutes on the elliptical and some weights. Me strong like bull.
Music: New Order, but I was mashing it up with O Kazakhstan from the Borat movie.
I've only seen the movie twice, once in the theatre, once on the DVD. It may be the funniest movie ever. Maybe.
FWIW, I've been to Kazakhstan, and this movie has nothing to do with that wonderful country. But it is dang funny.
Music: New Order, but I was mashing it up with O Kazakhstan from the Borat movie.
I've only seen the movie twice, once in the theatre, once on the DVD. It may be the funniest movie ever. Maybe.
FWIW, I've been to Kazakhstan, and this movie has nothing to do with that wonderful country. But it is dang funny.
Labels: Borat, humor, Kazakhstan
Thursday, February 22, 2007
Hats off to the fight’n Bramantis
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Blogging will be light
Friday, February 02, 2007
This post ain't for everyone, only the sexy people
I'm Robilicious.
Labels: humor
Little Old Blasphemer Me
This should be a rotating thing, with multiple mottos, for example:
Jesus is way cool.
The Torah rocks!
Buddha is the man.
Labels: Blasphemy?, humor, Stupid Government
