Me: OK, Daphne, that's Lauren - we like her. That's Whitney - we like her.

The Missus: Why didn't we name her Heidi?

Me: Because Daphne's a cool name and Heidi's a bitch?

The Missus: How would you know? Do you watch the show?

Me: No! I don't watch the show. It was just on the TV.

Labels: reality TV, Shows I don't watch, The Hills

The Hills Recap: Paris Changes Everything - The Hollywood Gossip

The missus is very excited at the new season of The Hills.

I of course could not care less. I don't watch stuff like that.

Labels: Laguna Beach, LC, Shows I don't watch, Team Heidi, The Hills, TV

A little ways into here and the hostess (Jessi) steals a line from the missus:

Labels: Laguna Beach, LC, Shows I don't watch, Team Heidi, The Hills

So, I don't have Internet in the house. Don't want it. I spend so much time at work in front of the computer, it's lost it's appeal as recreation. Plus, the wrists and the eyes are getting old.

So, there's a tiny bit of free time I have now. The missus and I decide to treat ourselves to Las Rosas. Good as always, but I wouldn't get the shrimp tacos again. The fish tacos are much better and the shrimp was little frozen ones.

Fortified by two margaritas, I settle down into my chair with my copy of Hemingway's short stories. I've been fascinated by Hills Like White Elephants since I first read it a million years ago. There's something about the line: "Would you please please please please please please please Stop talking." It seems so real.

Anyway, somehow the missus has put on one of those stupid MTV reality shows that I don't watch: The Hills, Season 3.

I put my nose back into Ebrol but still happen to notice that the cap-toothed weasel, Spencer, who makes the missus throw up a little when she sees him (Spencer Reflux Disease), is back on and even more desperate for air time. He even proposed to Heidi, but didn't it seem so contrived and planned?

Anyway, the season teaser at the end of episode one has put has squarely on Team LC now. Damn that Heidi! Damn her to hell!

"Do you feel better?" he asked.
"I feel fine," she said. "There's nothing wrong with me. I feel fine."

Labels: Laguna Beach, LC, Shows I don't watch, Team Heidi, The Hills, The Missus, West Oaks

1. I had an idea for a real blog post, but then I sneezed and it went away.

2. Today is Ann's birthday! Happy birthday! Of course, I forgot to send a card and they don't do the Internet, so I'm in trouble.

3. I love America's Got Talent. I love the Hoff. I love imitating him by saying, "I'll be fine" in a drunken voice.

4. Laguna Beach is in reruns on The N. The missus is so happy.

5. Yesterday's song of the day was 4th of July by X:

On the stairs I smoke a
cigarette alone
Mexican kids are shootin'
fireworks below
Hey baby, it's the Fourth of July
Hey baby, Baby take a walk outside

Labels: Laguna Beach, Shows I don't watch, TV, Weirdness

I just experienced it.

Labels: Laguna Beach, LC, Shows I don't watch, Team Heidi, The Hills

1. That's right, this is post number 2,500. Since I was surprised by that, I don't have any remarks planned. I guess this would be a good time for you to review the rules and the legal disclaimer.

2. The missus has named the feeling experienced when watching some show called The Hills and first seeing the cap-toothed blonde weasel: Spencer Reflux Disease. You throw up a little in the back of your mouth when you see him.

3. At least he proved himself an asshat in front of the world when he was talking to Brody about the secret cell phone.

4. Not that I was watching, I was watching the Astros snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.

Labels: baseball, Shows I don't watch

1. Matty B.: So, you all don't celebrate St. Patrick's Day?

Me: No, not really.

Matty B.: Because you're a Kven?

2. Me: I'm telling you, trailer in the country, lots of cats, and I'll sit on the front porch with a shotgun and keep the world at bay.

The missus: That's starting to sound good.

3. Me (an internal monologue): We could fly to London, take the train to Chester or Wolverhampton, catch an EPL match, then see the reunited Squeeze, all in one weekend. How much could that be?

[Mouse clicks, keyboard clicks, several "hmms" later]

$3,000 is a little steep for an adolescent obsession and a weekend. They better come to the States.

4. Pete: I tell people I'm 40 and they act surprised. Then I tell them I'm immature for my age and they agree.

5. The missus, upon Spencer appearing on the screen: I think I just threw up a little in the back of my mouth.

Labels: family, humor, Laguna Beach, LC, MTV, Shows I don't watch, Squeeze, Team Heidi, The Hills, travel, Weirdness

Tabloid Whore: THE HILLS RECAP: "NEW YEAR NEW FRIENDS." (plus the return of Lo!)

A couple days later over at the Bolthouse offices, Heidi and blond Bolthouse girl are tackling the new task of unstuffing envelopes instead of stuffing them. Good to know those girls know how to do something more than just work a clip board.

Labels: Shows I don't watch

Trying to get back into a groove. I went to Lafayette on Monday and it's thrown my schedule off.

If you get out to Lafayette, check out The Boiling Point restaurant in Broussard. Some of my colleagues fessed up, and yep, them Louisiana folks keep all the big shrimp to themselves. They were as big as my hand, I guarantee.

For the Yankees who read this, be sure you don't order "boiled shrimp." They won't know what you're saying. Order "bald shrimp."

I worked out this morning for the first time in a while. Listened to Ashlee Simpson, The Dead Kennedys, The Replacements, and Bob Marley. Because I'm cool like that.

Here are some random thoughts:

1. I went to Yahoo Music and threw every song with "hobo" in the title to a play list.

Billy Bob Thornton's song Hobo sucks bad.

Otherwise it was a good idea.


2. We loved minor league baseball when we lived in California. Now we have it in Houston.

BAY AREA TOROS

3. I've found my new theme song!

link

Little Ole Wine Drinker Me

I'm praying for rain in California
So the grapes can grow and they can make more wine
And I'm sitting in a honky in Chicago
With a broken heart and a woman on my mind

I matched the man behind the bar for the jukebox
And the music takes me back to Tennessee
And he asked who's the fool in the corner crying
I say a little ole wine drinker me

I came here last week from down in Nashville
'Cause my baby left for Florida on a train
I thought I'd get a job and just forget her
But in Chicago, the broken heartache's still the same

I matched the man behind the bar for the jukebox
And the music takes me back to Tennessee
When they ask who's the fool in the corner crying
I say a little ole wine drinker me
I say a little ole wine drinker me

I found it on a Merle compilation. I'd never heard it before. I love it.

4. If LC and Heidi were out last week boozing and searching for Spencer, this week LC was gunning for Heidi. What a lying whore! Now LC knows it and she'll be out for blood I'm sure.

Labels: baseball, Shows I don't watch, Weirdness, wine, Yankees

I'll bet you're wondering, "Why, Rob's sister just had a birthday and every year he puts up a photo of his sister and those beautiful nieces. Where's this one?"

No worries:



Cocktail hour for the girls: Kyra, Stacey, and Anabelle.

I honor the event in a mature manner:



I'll bet the girls will never let a guy come between them, unlike Heidi and LC. LC is totally right by the way and Heidi is the only one who can't see that Spencer is like completely playing her for a fool and coming all to all these other skanks.

Of course, now she sees because the show is on the air and I bet last night Heidi and LC were cruising the TMZ liquored up on wine coolers and looking for Spencer to John Wayne Bobbitt him.

Not that I watch The Hills. It was on when I was reading.

Labels: family, MTV, Shows I don't watch, Stacey, twin princesses

1. Last night, I swear, I saw Corbin scratch his right underarm with his right hand.

2. I've changed my mind about the song I'll sing when I try out for American Idol (history). I'm going to sing "I'm bringing sexy back," but I'm going to change the words to "I'm bringing grumpy back."

3. I think this whole immigration controversy is turning into one of those "War on Drugs" type issues where right-wingers get riled up about something that's presented as a crisis and then we're stuck advocating increasing the size, scope, and power of the federal government.

4. I'm following the Astros a little. We'll see if it sticks. Here's a start: It's great that Woody Williams is coming back to Houston, but isn't he, um, a little old? Dude's older than me....

Labels: music, rants, Shows I don't watch

Worked out. I keep forgetting to recharge the MP3 player. Watched the news.

I heard words to this effect on a talk station out of San Antonio that I received on the radio yesterday.

The speech last night was not written by the President. He practiced it over and over. They played parts of it to pollsters and focus groups.

The Democratic response was not given spontaneously by Sen. Webb. It was written for him. They could do this because they got a copy of the President's speech beforehand. It too was practiced and refined.

Part of the problem in this country is that what happened last night was not two human beings thinking and expressing their ideas, it was an act of political theatre. Planned, rehearsed, staged...

If a president again ever decides to submit his or her remarks in writing and forgo the speech I'll read it.

Labels: politics, Shows I don't watch, Thomas Jefferson

I am not going to get sucked into a Laguna Beach spinoff. I'm 40. No way.

Too late. Dang, that's funny:

Meanwhile, does Lisa Loveless think that Lauren is retarded? When she asks Lauren to do something she talks real slow at Lauren and nods her head a lot too. I think she thinks Lauren has no clue what's going on. She totally did this when she told Lauren about the fashion show in LA that she had to attend.

It's hard to make me feel sympathy for Spencer, but Heidi sure did it with that fake pregnancy scare.

Man, there's more:

After the opening credits, we then found ourselves at Bolthouse Productions where Heidi was taking a break from her busy job of sitting around.

Labels: Laguna Beach, LC, Shows I don't watch, Team Heidi, The Hills